I’m beginning to think that women and girls are completely oblivious to the feelings and tendencies of men and boys. We in the male population have certain likings and dislikings when it comes to the opposite sex. Our preferences are rooted deeply in our character and our very makeup (and not the kind that you put on your face in the morning). Too often, these preferences go overlooked and unrealized.
Allow me to enlighten you:
First, men are not interested in kissing, smooching, lip-smacking, spit-swapping, or any other sort of passionate nonsense. We do not fancy sexual advances or touching. It scares us. We are fragile and delicate beings. Instead, we prefer more gentle approaches to intimacy such as cuddling, hand-holding, side hugs, and the occasional peck on the cheek (for when we are feeling extra spunky).
Second, men cannot stand tight clothing. We cannot bear to look upon a low-cut shirt or short shorts. Our gentle hearts ache when we catch a glimpse of a mini-skirt or a see-through top. It’s gross and unattractive. One might even go as far as to say “yucky.” Instead, we are much more interested in baggy sweat pants and plain old oversized t-shirts. We would prefer no makeup and dirty, unfixed hair. Imagining it now even brings a smile to my face.
Third, men HATE being flirted with or teased. When girls talk in a sexy tone or gently caress our bulging biceps, we feel a sense of disgust. We can’t handle it. Instead, we would rather have a good healthy belch or nagging tone every now and again to keep us on our toes. We prefer a girl with little interest in admiring us or our bulging biceps. That’s just the way we feel.
Let’s stop right there. If you are either smiling or laughing at this point in the article and you realize the complete nonsense of the paragraphs you have just finished reading, then you may also begin to realize the difficult position in which the female population finds themselves. The very fact that one may read the above and immediately realize their falsehood is a testimony to the fact that the female population very obviously knows the basics of what turns a man on and what turns a man away. If we understand this and desire at all to live in harmony with God’s will for sexual purity and in a guilt-free relationship with our boyfriend or fiancé then we must realize our responsibility to help control the flame of sexuality in a male partner with the choices that we make. Choices of clothing, choices of speech, choices of physical contact, choices of alone time, choices of hangouts, etc.
1 Thess. 4:3-6 says “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified [made holy]: that you should avoid sexual immorality [fornication, adultery and others]; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him.”
When God finished each piece of creation in Genesis, he finished by saying “it is good.” God determines what is and is not “good.” For sexuality, he has determined that only context in which it is good is marriage. However, a word very closely associated with “good” in our culture is the word “love.” When you tell a guy you love them, what does that mean? Is it fair to agree that part of love is wanting the best for them? I think so. But if so, we must decide what is “best.” Here’s an English lesson: “best” is a superlative and it is the highest form of the word “good.” Good, better, best. So if we want the best for them, we want for them the “highest good.” And who determines what is good? God! So is it fair to say that loving a guy and wanting the best for him is wanting what God wants for him? If so, we have to draw the line in our relationships between thinking that we love someone by giving our body to them or allowing them to take from our body whatever they wish to take and exercising real love by refusing that position because it’s what God wants for us and the other person. Guys need help to exercise self-control. A LOT of help. A very helpful practice in all relationships outside of making the right clothing and behavior choices that will ease lust is praying and talking. We need honesty and openness about the fact that you want to help the guy we are with to succeed spiritually and that we want his help for our own spiritual success as well.
Another side of the coin exists on this issue: guys can often be pressuring. They can be very assertive in order to get want they want when they are thinking with their hormones and not their head. A large population of girls and women fall prey to the guilt trips given to them by the guy that they are with. BUT YOU ARE NEVER TO FEEL BAD FOR NOT ALLOWING THE GUY YOU ARE WITH TO DESTROY HIS SOUL AND YOURS. It just doesn’t work that way.
Try imitating Michelle. She is a very determined young lady with no intention of ever letting a guy guilt her into any form a sexual activity. Observe the following REAL conversation:
Guy: “REAL men are sexually active.”
Michelle: “So is my REAL dog.”
Guy: “If you loved me, you’d let me.”
Michelle: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask.”
Guy: “But I want to.”
Michelle: “But I don’t!”
Guy: “Everybody’s doing it.”
Michelle: “Not true. I’m somebody, and I’m not doing it!”
Guy: “Have you ever done it?”
Michelle: “Have you ever made the wonderful discovery of knowing Jesus Christ?”
Guy: “Don’t you love me?”
Michelle: “Yeah, But I love God more.”
Guy: “I won’t get you pregnant.”
Michelle: “That’s right, because you aren’t going to touch me.”
Guy: “If you won’t let me, I’ll find someone who will.”
Michelle: “It was nice knowing you.”
(and my personal favorite part of the conversation)
Guy: “But you owe me!”
Michelle: “Okay, I’ll get you a key chain or something.”
A lot of Christians fall into the trap of trying to gauge “how far is too far” by setting specific, measurable rules for what we should and shouldn’t touch and how many inches is too short on a dress, etc. Rules have their place and value but one point on this needs to be made clear: Christianity is about LIVING, not about RULES. It has more to do with our mindset than perhaps with our ability to keep a list of specific sexuality guidelines.
Matt 5:28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Is committing adultery wrong – yes, Jesus upholds the position of the law, but He says, don’t just limit it to an act of not doing something. What is important is your attitude. What is in your heart? Are you trying to figure out how much you can get away with? Or are you trying to please God?
The question “How far is too far?” anticipates FAILURE. When we ask this sort of question we focus on failing. We are trying to push the envelope and we only know we have gone too far when it is too late. I’m picturing the coyote and road runner now. How far can he push the limits before he ends up over the cliff? Is this too far? No. Is this too far? Nope. Is this too far? Yep – but it’s too late!! We need to stop asking “how much is too much” or “how far is too far?” A far better question to ask would be “How can I HONOR GOD with my physical relationships?” Or “how can I make sure that I’m doing everything I possibly can to make self-control easier on the guy that I am with?”